How Do I Find a Therapist Who Gets Me?

15 hours ago

8 min read

By Sherene Henry, LMHC-D, LPC, NCC

Founder & Executive Director

Finding a therapist can feel overwhelming, especially when you're looking for someone who will genuinely understand you. You might wonder whether they'll relate to your experiences, understand your cultural background, or recognize what you're going through without making assumptions.

Finding the right therapist involves more than choosing someone with the right credentials or specialties. It's about finding a professional who takes the time to understand you as an individual, respects your experiences, and creates an environment where you feel comfortable being yourself.

As a licensed mental health counselor and psychotherapist, I've worked with clients who have struggled to feel understood in previous therapeutic relationships. One thing I've learned is that feeling understood isn't necessarily about finding a therapist who shares your experiences. It's about finding someone who is genuinely curious about them.

What Does It Mean to Have a Therapist Who Gets You?

When people say they want a therapist who "gets them," they're often describing a desire to feel seen, heard, respected, and understood. They want someone who recognizes that their experiences, cultural background, relationships, and personal history influence how they see themselves and the world.

A therapist who gets you should demonstrate several important qualities:

Cultural competence: They recognize how culture, identity, family dynamics, and lived experiences may influence your mental health.
Curiosity: They ask thoughtful questions rather than making assumptions about your experiences.
Empathy: They make an effort to understand your emotional experiences and perspectives.
Healthy emotional validation: They acknowledge your feelings without automatically agreeing with every belief, interpretation, or behavior.
Flexibility: They recognize that therapy isn't one-size-fits-all and adjust their approach to meet your individual needs.

These qualities help establish a therapeutic relationship where you can explore difficult emotions, discuss sensitive experiences, and work toward meaningful change.

Feeling Understood Doesn't Mean Your Therapist Should Always Agree With You

One misconception about therapy is that a good therapist should consistently validate everything a client says or feels. That's not what healthy emotional validation looks like.

Emotional validation means acknowledging that someone's feelings are real and worthy of exploration. It doesn't mean confirming that every interpretation, assumption, or reaction is accurate or helpful.

For example, imagine telling your therapist that a friend didn't respond to your message and you're convinced they're intentionally ignoring you. A therapist might acknowledge that feeling ignored can be hurtful while also helping you explore whether there could be other explanations for your friend's behavior.

In my clinical approach, I believe therapists have a responsibility to balance empathy with professional judgment. Sometimes that means offering reassurance. Other times, it means gently challenging a client's perspective, identifying unhelpful patterns, or encouraging them to consider something differently.

Healthy therapy should help you feel supported while also helping you grow. A therapist who simply agrees with everything you say may feel comforting initially, but that doesn't necessarily mean they're providing effective treatment.

Why Cultural Competence Matters When Choosing a Therapist

Cultural competence is one of the most important qualities I encourage people to consider when searching for a therapist. Your cultural background can influence how you communicate, express emotions, navigate relationships, understand mental health, and respond to challenges.

A culturally competent therapist recognizes these influences without making assumptions. Instead of assuming that everyone from a particular background shares the same experiences, they take the time to understand what your cultural identity and experiences mean to you personally.

Does Your Therapist Need to Share Your Cultural Background?

Not necessarily. I recognize that many clients feel more comfortable seeking therapists who share their race, ethnicity, cultural background, or other aspects of their identity. That preference is understandable. However, I don't believe a therapist must share your background or lived experiences to understand you or provide effective treatment.

Therapists receive professional training to work with people whose backgrounds, beliefs, and experiences differ from their own. Cultural competence is an essential part of that training. What's important is whether the therapist can apply that knowledge thoughtfully and effectively.

A therapist's personal experiences shouldn't be the foundation of the services they provide. Their clinical training, professional judgment, and ability to understand the client's unique circumstances should guide treatment.

Sharing a cultural identity doesn't automatically make someone culturally competent. Likewise, having a different background doesn't automatically prevent someone from understanding you.

A Therapist Should Be Curious, Not Just Focused on Fixing Your Problems

One concern I've heard from clients who felt disconnected from previous therapists is that they didn't feel their therapist was genuinely interested in understanding their experiences.

In one situation, a client described feeling misunderstood by a previous therapist because of what they perceived as a lack of cultural competence. The client felt that the therapist was focused on fixing the problem without first exploring how the situation affected them emotionally or understanding their perspective.

What was missing? Curiosity.

Therapy isn't simply about identifying a problem and immediately offering solutions. Before we can effectively address an issue, we need to understand how the client experiences it.

That involves asking questions such as:

How did that experience affect you emotionally?
What did that situation mean to you?
How do you understand what happened?
Are there cultural, family, or personal experiences influencing how you're responding?
What do you feel is most important for me to understand?

As a psychotherapist, I believe curiosity is essential to building a strong therapeutic relationship. Clients shouldn't feel rushed toward solutions before they've had an opportunity to feel understood.

How to Tell Whether a Therapist Is a Good Fit Before Starting Therapy

One of my biggest recommendations is to request an initial consultation before committing to a therapist. This gives you an opportunity to ask questions, learn about their approach, and determine whether you might feel comfortable working together.

Rather than focusing exclusively on credentials and certifications, I encourage clients to ask questions that reveal how the therapist actually practices.

Ask How They Get to Know New Clients

Consider asking, "How do you approach getting to know a new client?"

Pay attention to whether the therapist emphasizes understanding your background, experiences, relationships, and concerns. Do they describe a collaborative process? Do they recognize that each client brings a unique perspective into therapy?

Their response can help you understand whether they prioritize getting to know the individual or immediately focus on symptoms and solutions.

Ask About Cultural Competence

If cultural understanding is important to you, don't hesitate to ask about it directly.

Some questions include:

How do you approach working with clients whose cultural backgrounds differ from yours?
How do you incorporate cultural identity and lived experiences into therapy?
How do you handle situations where you don't fully understand a client's cultural perspective?

You aren't necessarily looking for someone who has all the answers. You're looking for a therapist who recognizes the importance of cultural competence and demonstrates a willingness to understand your experiences without making assumptions.

Ask What Kind of Therapist They Consider Themselves to Be

This is a question I particularly encourage clients to ask: "What kind of therapist do you consider yourself to be?"

I'm not referring to their certifications or credentials. Those qualifications matter, but they don't necessarily tell you what working with that therapist will feel like.

Instead, ask about their therapeutic approach. Are they more focused on exploring emotions and past experiences? Do they use structured strategies to develop coping skills? Do they combine different approaches based on individual needs?

A therapist might use cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), psychodynamic therapy, acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT), humanistic approaches, or a combination of methods.

For example, someone who wants to explore emotional patterns and relationships may prefer a different therapeutic style than someone primarily seeking practical tools to manage anxiety.

Neither approach is inherently better. What matters is whether the therapist's approach is appropriate for your needs and whether you feel comfortable participating in that process.

What If You Start Therapy and Don't Feel Understood?

Even after an initial consultation, you might begin therapy and realize something doesn't feel right. Perhaps your therapist misunderstood something important, made assumptions about your experiences, or approached a concern differently than you expected.

That doesn't automatically mean you need to find someone else. My recommendation is to start by having a conversation with your therapist.

Tell Your Therapist How You're Feeling

Therapy should be a space where you can discuss concerns about the therapeutic relationship itself. If you feel misunderstood, explain what happened and how it affected you.

You might say:

"I don't think you fully understood what I was trying to explain."
"I felt like we moved into problem-solving before I had a chance to talk about how I was feeling."
"I think there may be some cultural context that we're missing."
"I'm not sure this approach is working for me."

These conversations can be uncomfortable, but they provide an opportunity to clarify misunderstandings and improve the therapeutic relationship.

Give Your Therapist an Opportunity to Adjust

Therapists are human, and we don't always get everything right. Sometimes we misunderstand something, overlook an important detail, or approach a situation in a way that doesn't resonate with the client.

What matters is how we respond to that feedback.

A therapist should be willing to listen, reflect on their approach, and make appropriate adjustments. If your therapist responds thoughtfully to your concerns, consider giving the relationship more time.

Pay attention to whether you notice meaningful changes. Are they asking more questions? Making a greater effort to understand your perspective? Adjusting their approach to better meet your needs?

These changes can indicate that the therapist is responsive to your feedback and invested in strengthening the therapeutic relationship.

Know When It's Time to Find Another Therapist

If you've communicated your concerns, allowed time for adjustments, and still consistently feel misunderstood, it may be time to consider another therapist.

However, it's important to distinguish between feeling challenged and feeling misunderstood. A therapist may sometimes ask difficult questions or encourage you to examine uncomfortable patterns. That can be a healthy part of treatment.

Those challenges should happen within a relationship built on trust, respect, and understanding.

If that foundation is consistently missing, finding another therapist may be the better choice. And if a therapist behaves unethically, violates boundaries, or makes you feel unsafe, you don't need to continue treatment simply to give them another opportunity.

How Do You Know When You've Found the Right Therapist?

Finding the right therapist doesn't mean every session will feel comfortable or that you'll always leave feeling better. Therapy can involve difficult conversations, uncomfortable realizations, and emotional challenges.

However, you should generally feel that your therapist is making a genuine effort to understand you.

Some signs of a healthy therapeutic relationship include:

You feel comfortable expressing your thoughts and emotions without fear of judgment.
Your therapist demonstrates curiosity rather than making assumptions.
Your cultural background and personal identity are respected.
Your feelings are acknowledged without your therapist automatically agreeing with everything you say.
You can provide feedback about treatment without feeling dismissed.
Your therapist adjusts their approach when clinically appropriate.
You feel supported in exploring difficult emotions and challenging unhelpful patterns.

You don't need a therapist who thinks exactly like you, shares every aspect of your identity, or tells you what you want to hear. You need someone who is professionally equipped to understand your experiences and help you make meaningful progress.

Finding a Therapist Who Gets You Is About Connection, Competence, and Trust

If you're searching for a therapist who gets you, I encourage you to look beyond credentials, specialties, and shared backgrounds. Those factors can be important, but they don't tell the whole story.

Consider how the therapist approaches getting to know you, how they demonstrate cultural competence, and whether their therapeutic style aligns with your needs.

As a therapist, I believe one of the most important things we can offer clients is the opportunity to feel genuinely understood while helping them develop new perspectives and healthier ways of navigating their lives.

That requires asking thoughtful questions, recognizing cultural and personal influences, providing healthy emotional validation, and knowing when to offer support versus appropriate clinical challenges.

The right therapist isn't someone who always agrees with you. It's someone who makes the effort to understand you and has the clinical skills to help you grow.

Looking for a Therapist in New York or New Jersey?

At Love Light Mental Health Counseling Services, PLLC, we recognize that finding the right therapeutic relationship is an important part of the counseling process. Our practice provides mental health counseling and psychotherapy for individuals seeking support with anxiety, trauma, relationship challenges, life transitions, and other emotional concerns.

We believe effective therapy should be individualized, culturally responsive, and grounded in a genuine understanding of each client's experiences. Our clinicians use a variety of evidence-based therapeutic approaches to help clients explore their concerns, develop healthier coping strategies, and work toward meaningful personal growth.

We serve clients throughout New York and New Jersey through secure telehealth appointments. If you're looking for a therapist who takes the time to understand your experiences and works collaboratively with you, we invite you to connect with our team to explore your options.